Saturday, April 13, 2019

The Time Tuba

[inspired by an autocorrect of my name]

Warning: This tuba will self-destruct in...

The Time Tuba™ is guaranteed to provide many happy and satisfying hours of music to both practitioner and audience. [Actual hours sold separately. Not compatible with any other spatio-temporal dimensions.]

The Time Tuba was created by an evil sorcerer whose neighbor’s son would practice at all hours of the night. With every note the boy aged a year. By the time he noticed, he was 87, arthritic, and had to give up the tuba. The evil sorcerer lived quietly ever after.

The Time Tuba uses valves to change the length of a note, rather than its pitch. This is very convenient, as the musician can simply play all the notes ahead of time and trust them to come out with the correct timing. Unfortunately, all the notes are the same.

The Time Tuba exists in its own dimension. No matter how long you practice or perform, you will finish at the same time you began.

The Time Tuba has an extra key on its side. When combined with an E-flat, I found that it played slightly sharp while at the same time transporting me 156 years into the future. The F-natural remains perfectly in tune, and returns me to the present. B-flat, however, took me back to a date preceding the invention of the tuba. This has turned out to be a problem, as the Time Tuba itself has now disappeared. (Note to self: Make way to Germany, find Johann Gottfried Moritz, see if he can speed things up a bit.)


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